


And He Doesn't Wake

by citrusella



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Asphyxiation, Coma, Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Cross-Posted on Tumblr, Episode: s03e25 Bubbled, Episode: s04e04 Mindful Education, Focusing on that latter one near the end, Gen, Hospitalization, Outer Space, character study (maybe?), weak suspense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-16
Updated: 2016-09-02
Packaged: 2018-08-09 06:31:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 10,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7790305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/citrusella/pseuds/citrusella
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It can't end like this.</p>
<p>Or: Waxing realistic as we examine the events of the episode "Bubbled".</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. And He Doesn't Wake

**Author's Note:**

> I decided to cross-post this story here because FFnet apparently hates it. (It glitches out every other chapter upload I do.) I'm still very new to how this site works and have never added a multi-chapter work here. XP
> 
> I'll spend a few hours or days getting the posting here up to speed with that one before I update again past what I already have up over there.

He breathes as he dissolves his bubble and pushes away the gem who would take his life if given the chance.

Space feels weird against his half-organic skin, like it wants to make him a big puff pastry but isn't sure what's flesh and what's light and so it mostly leaves him be.

He reforms the bubble, tired from his ordeal. He takes a breath.

Except there's no air. Because oh, right, space is a vacuum and didn't he learn this from Pearl or his dad or something?

Everything is odd and he's getting lightheaded and he's pretty sure something hurts but he can't think enough to actually find out what it is and tend to it. Probably better not to tend to it. Gotta conserve energy for… when the gems show up… and they all go home… and everything is normal again…

His consciousness fades.

The bubble shrinks.

* * *

The light of the ship shines on the small bubble carrying what they're looking for.

Carrying _Steven_.

They activate the tractor beam and pull him on board, they dissolve his bubble.

They say his name warmly, they shake him gently.

He doesn't respond.

Maybe he just needs time? They lay him gingerly in a chair and return solemnly to the controls. They give him several minutes to acclimate to the air and warmth of the inside of the spacecraft.

They try again.

Touch, speak, shake.

And he doesn't wake.

"…This isn't right. She said we'd find him in time."

"Maybe he's just tired from all the floating. I know I'd be tired if I floated that far…"

Garnet doesn't speak. She's staring at a point on the wall, almost through the wall, weighing the possibilities, wading through all the likely and unlikely scenarios.

Trying to find at least one that ends _good_.

"Perhaps we could take him to Rose's fountain..?"

"Yeah, we just rescued him from cold, airless space; why not drown him in a cold fountain next?!"

"Well, I don't see you coming up with anything better, Amethyst!"

Garnet holds up a hand to quiet the two before they can really go at it.

"That won't work. We don't know everything that happened, and it's best we don't take chances." She removes her visor, making the tears in her eyes—which mirror those of the others—visible. It's clear from her expression what they have to do.

They had been planning to keep it secret. To sweep it under the rug. To have it simply be an eventually-forgettable blot in Steven's life.

But they can't. The next words from Garnet's mouth are nothing short of inevitable, unavoidable.

"We must tell Greg."

* * *

Greg… doesn't take it well. Which, honestly, isn't the least bit surprising. How does a parent react to hearing their kid almost died in the vacuum of space?

He asks how long he's been like this, what he's supposed to tell the doctors or the EMTs or whoever ends up saving his son. They don't have an answer.

He puts his child in the back of the Dondai—it'll be faster than the van—and drives him to the hospital himself.

He asks if Steven's healing spit should be working in a situation like this, if it would work if they tried to use his own spit on him like that.

He asks how something like this, something _**this**_ bad, could have happened.

He wonders. He cries. And he hopes.

_**It can't end like this.** _

* * *

When he is brought in, they stabilize him and get him to a room.

Dr. Maheswaran is his doctor.

It's unclear whether this is a lucky break or not. She knows about the gem stuff, but who can say if she fully comprehends the gravity of what has occurred? What could she make of his injuries?

She mutters something about the injuries being consistent with rapid decompression, and she asks how this could have happened.

Greg clears his throat and looks away, and she understands.

She doesn't say it aloud because Connie is in the room, but she begins to doubt if she should be letting her daughter in on something where _this_ could be the result.

Greg yet again wonders the same thing.

* * *

Middle ear barotrauma.

Hypoxia.

Likely pneumothorax.

Connie only knows what some of these words mean, but she knows none of them are good. It's strange because she remembers just last week, when she and Steven had fought Jasper together as Stevonnie. It's almost as if the boy in front of her now isn't even the same person.

She kind of wishes she could fuse into Stevonnie with him now. To feel his pain, to share his thoughts.

To try to help.

But she knows that's not possible or the right choice right now.

And she's content to hold his hand.

And hope. Like everyone else.

* * *

Still, he lies, too-small in his too-large bed with quite possibly the worst reason for a first hospital visit.

Still, they hope, as the doctors work and the doubts and worry swirl and threaten to take that hope.

Still.

The world turns without him.

And he doesn't wake.


	2. And All He Can See is Pink

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not my favorite chapter. It's gone through a few edits since its initial posting on FFnet, but I think the real solution to my problem with it is to get better at writing the gems (or feel like I'm getting better, at least). DX

Incoherent muffled voices float through the pitch black.

They're far away, and they don't make sense, even when a word makes it through the fog.

* * *

He opens his eyes.

For a second, it's too bright to make anything out.

So he focuses on himself instead.

His head feels numb.

The world is silent.

And his chest hurts.

He takes a breath as his vision clears.

That's strange.

There's no air here.

…And all he can see is pink.

Is he still in his bubble?

No, no. He remembers his bubble had air…

Or does he?

He's not sure what he remembers.

The memories are fuzzy, and he remembers laughing and—

…Oh, yeah.

Eyeball attacked him.

Did she succeed? Is he in his gem somehow?

Is he… dead?

He's noticed he doesn't seem to _need_ to breathe, which he supposes is lucky with the whole air situation…

He pushes himself into a sitting position, he runs his hands through the grass beneath his body.

He remembers getting Eyeball away from him, remembers his bubble not having any air after that.

But he knows his bubble doesn't have… grass.

His bubble doesn't have anything.

So, could that mean..?

…No. Something tells him he's not dead.

But then… _where is he?_

* * *

Hospitals aren't the most… familiar… of places to beings like Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl. Gems don't need that sort of human medicine.

But they come anyway. Because Steven is still only half-gem and he _does_ need this sort of human medicine.

Pearl ends up in the room when Connie is there quite often.

Connie becomes the teacher for once, teaching Pearl human customs for when someone is in the hospital.

The cards, flowers, balloons.

The people who occasionally bring Greg food.

The little things that show people care.

In exchange, Pearl awkwardly speaks of the gem way of healing, of Rose's tears.

Of Rose's fountain.

Connie knows about all this, of course.

Steven has told her.

What neither of them know is why Garnet is so sure it won't work.

* * *

Not that they can get an answer.

Every time she's around, she barely speaks, eyes fixated on Steven through her visor.

She runs the possibilities again.

Though she knows now that he's here, they can't just back out and pick a different path.

She tries not to cry.

But it's too much and she doesn't succeed.

And she leaves.

She goes home.

When she gets there, she breaks apart.

And Ruby and Sapphire aren't sure if they can console each other, aren't sure if they can even console _themselves_.

And they cry.

* * *

If Garnet is stoic and silent in the view of others, Amethyst is quite the opposite.

She speaks to him as if it's just another ordinary day.

Talks to him about what she ate out of the fridge.

Rambles about what she's doing later.

She knows if she stops talking, she won't know what else to do.

And she'll probably end up quiet and angry and withdrawn and everything she hates about herself.

Just yesterday, she and Steven had gone toe-to-toe with Jasper.

It had been terrifying and heart-wrenching all at once.

Like this, she supposes.

Except the villain here is space and you can't exactly fight space.

Like Connie, she wishes she could fuse with him, to see if that would help.

Though she's sure it won't.

She grasps his hand, as if silently asking him to fuse with her.

But there's no response.

She doesn't expect one.

It's almost as if Steven is poofed.

He's hurt.

He doesn't move.

He lies like a useless hunk of rock.

The only difference is his body's still here.

There are assorted tubes and wires around him.

It makes him look… weak.

Like her.

Or at least like the her Jasper sees.

Steven is like her and they're both not like anybody and it can't be like this because if Steven's not around then she's not like anybody and not in the good way and—

She cries, too.

They all do.

She supposes that's a way she's like the others…

And she knows that's a way Steven's like them, too.


	3. And He Isn't Sure

He pushes himself up onto his feet. It's easy because he's surprisingly lighter than he remembers.

But if it's so easy, why is it so tiring? For something so simple, it feels as if he's just run a race or fought off a couple corrupted gems!

He takes a few steps forward and receives a cruel reminder that he's in pain.

Maybe he should try to heal himself? He licks his hand and—

…Huh?

The second he stops licking… the spit is gone.

…What kind of place _is_ this? Do any of his other powers work?

He tries floating. No.

Dream projection.

No. He's not even sure he actually fell asleep.

Shapeshifting.

Bubbling.

Summoning his shield.

No. No. No.

…He's not even super strong anymore.

It's like he's not even a gem. (In fact, he checks just to make sure he _does_ actually have his gem…)

He looks around, his face wearing an expression as if he's wondering if he's on a prank show, and he's more than a little confused and freaked out.

But he knows this is no prank. He's just not sure what it _is_.

The excitement of the mystery of this place has worn off.

And now he just wants out. He's not even sure he _wants_ to know where he is anymore.

Suddenly, as if it were planned, a sound breaks through the dead air to break his train of thought.

He turns toward it, though nothing is in his field of vision once he looks.

But the sound is far away. And it sounds… scary.

And he isn't sure if he should get close enough to find out what it is.

But he goes anyway.

* * *

Greg's been through this before.

Well, not _this_ exactly.

Last time something catastrophic happened to a family member, he at least got Steven out of the deal.

And saw it coming.

How does your kid end up in _space_?!

They said they found him in his bubble.

How long had he been there? Without them?

Greg wants to be angry at the gems, but he knows it's not precisely their fault. They said a Ruby from Homeworld pulled him out of a base on the moon.

But why did Steven even need to _go_ to the moon?

Was he with that Ruby the whole time? Did the Ruby do anything to him?

He puts his hands in his pockets and stares at his son, fourteen years old but still so small and vulnerable in his present condition.

He wonders if Rose knows or can experience what's happening.

Does she feel his pain?

Does she know his thoughts?

Does she want to help?

Steven is _her_ son, too, and he can't help but wonder what it'd be like if the two could have existed at the same time. What she'd have done if she was witness to… to…

this.

But she's not here.

And it's unclear how much Steven is here, to be honest.

The kid is practically smothered under all the stuff connected to him.

His teenage son.

His little boy.

Shtu-ball.

Dr. Maheswaran comes in and tries to talk about Steven's condition and some things she'd like to try.

Greg is overwhelmed and concerned and terrified and so so uncertain and—

Dr. Maheswaran nods in understanding and leaves, to give him "time to think about things".

It's too much.

It's just too much.

He certainly has enough money, even after everything he's spent those royalties on, to pay the bills.

But he wishes there weren't bills to pay. Not for this.

He wants to focus on what he's just been told. To sort it out, decide on a plan.

But the boy in the bed commands too much of his attention right now.

_He doesn't want to run fresh out of family_.

He buries his head in his hands and wishes he wouldn't have to go through this alone.

Sure, the gems and the Maheswarans are here.

But the gems don't understand. They care, but they don't know enough about this particular sort of thing to understand on a deeper level.

Dr. Maheswaran is a parent, sure. But she's also their doctor, so she sees this from a completely different angle.

And Connie's just a kid.

Like Steven.

_**He's just a kid**_.

_This happened to_ _ **a kid**_.

How do you let this happen to _a kid?_

How do you let _a kid_ end up in space?

He supposes he shouldn't be surprised. He lets Steven do all kinds of things that kids don't typically do.

…Does that mean this is _his_ fault?

…No, he supposes it's no one's fault. Even Garnet said she didn't see it coming, which must have meant it was pretty unlikely…

Still.

He sighs and stands.

As much as he wants to stay, he has to sleep and he can't do it here.

The Maheswarans have offered him their couch for now so he doesn't have to sleep in the Dondai or go all the way back to the car wash for the van tonight.

He takes one last look at Steven and heads out the door.


	4. And He's Come to a Valley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made a Nightmare Hospital joke in this chapter. *rimshot*

As he draws closer to the noise, he grows more and more wary.

It doesn't help that with every step, he feels more and more being taken out of him.

He's grown so tired he wishes he could sleep.

But something tells him it's not time yet and so he pushes onward.

He's sure the noise is just over the next hill.

He climbs the hill.

And he's come to a valley.

The noise has stopped. He looks around, trying to determine if this is where the sound resides.

Seeing nothing, he sits. Half-human-half-gem-boys-who-are-supposed-to-have-magical-powers-but-don't-anymore-for-no-clear-reason gotta rest sometime. And this time is as good as any.

He lowers himself down onto his back. He's still not sure it's time to sleep, but maybe for now he can relax.

He'll find the sound when it decides to make itself heard again.

He closes his eyes, intent on relaxing as much as he can before he has to move again and the pain and fatigue return…

He doesn't know how long he's had his eyes closed—he can't tell the passage of time here—but his thoughts hitch when he hears a rustling and a low grunt.

He opens his eyes to…

"Aaaa—!"

* * *

She enters her office and closes the door. She can't believe she's been dealing with this with the professionalism she has.

Dr. Maheswaran is a doctor of many trades, but her specialty is pediatrics. She'd worked in a few areas of the hospital, namely emergency and other more generalized areas, before she'd gotten in on the ground floor of pediatrics and decided to stay. The kids bring a spark of life to an otherwise _nightmarish_ hospital.

As a plus, she's finally been able to relax a little around Connie, since horrific injury is rare in the unit. Most kids, by the time they reach the unit, are far better off than when they arrive at the hospital, and for that, she breathes a sigh of relief.

But that comfortable distance from the "front lines" has to be dashed every once in awhile.

And it's Steven—her daughter's best friend—who has taken on that job this time.

She's gotten the story from Greg and the magical gem ladies, and she almost hasn't been able to believe it—it is only because the medical evidence so clearly points to it that she allows herself to think the story is true.

Tweenage boys just don't go to space. At all.

But she supposes Steven is no ordinary tweenage boy. For starters, he's fourteen and just barely looks eight.

And then there's the big pink bubbles and all the magical gem stuff.

Perhaps that's why his injuries aren't completely consistent with being exposed to the vacuum of space with no protection.

She looks at his initial workup and the myriad of injuries he arrived with: bilateral tympanic membrane injury, pneumothorax, pulmonary rupture, neurological and tissue evidence of anoxia.

They've dealt with some of his injuries, but many would take extensive time to heal in any normal human. And she doesn't know much about gems, but she does know the injuries in most regular humans subjected to those conditions would be much worse.

Deadly worse.

And in Steven, they're simply… not.

They're definitely bad, just not so bad that he's in immediate danger of dying anytime anyone turns their backs.

And some of them seem to have inexplicably healed, though not completely, to a state the doctors working on him were expecting to take much longer.

She does remember Connie's eyes have been magically healed so that she no longer needs glasses, and she does wonder if Steven's body is doing that. If he's capable of doing that to himself, even while in a completely unresponsive state…

She wonders if she even knows what anybody's capable of anymore.

Her daughter is a swordfighter, going on missions with magical beings.

A fourteen year old boy was jettisoned into space and may have only survived because he's at least partially a magical being himself.

Neither of those are very kid-like activities.

She wonders about Connie.

She knows she's given her daughter a little more freedom after seeing all she can do.

But she wonders again if that was the right choice.

She sees how parents all over the pediatric ward react to their children's hospitalization, to their children's illnesses or injuries.

Sometimes she sees parents reacting to their children's own death.

And now she's seeing it up close and personal with Greg, someone she's actually met before.

The father of her daughter's friend.

It's tearing him up like it tears everyone up. A parent shouldn't have to see their kid hurt, sick… or worse. A parent isn't prepared to see that. And the parents' reactions are almost always the same.

But it feels more real because, on some level, she knows Greg.

And she doesn't know the gems, but they react much like Greg, and she supposes that's to be expected, since Steven apparently lives with them. They're as much his parents as Greg is.

Maybe they're not so different after all.

But she's still not sure if she's ready for her daughter to join them.

For her daughter's death to potentially be an option.

That's not something any parent is prepared for.

She knows from experience.

She stands and tries to stifle the raw emotion those thoughts give her.

And she goes to do her rounds.


	5. And Connie is Alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we're caught up with the FFnet version! Now on to proofreading the chapter I was planning to post tonight...
> 
> I'm not in LOVE with the way I wrote the first chunk of this chapter (and I know exactly why), which was why I waited to add it here, since I was considering rewriting it. But I decided against rewriting it, since I think other ideas would make it less engaging.

" _Aaaaah!_ "

He stands and runs before he's even fully processed what he's running from.

He doesn't care about the pain, doesn't care about the fatigue.

But he needs to get away.

Once he's pretty sure he's moved a safe distance away, he turns.

And there she is again, right behind him!

It's Jasper.

Didn't he and Amethyst (and Peridot, actually mostly Peridot) poof her?

"J-Jasper?" His voice is a whisper. "A-Are you..?"

The corrupted gem doesn't seem to hear him. She's busy sniffing the ground around her and clawing at it.

"Aww… maybe there is some good in you and you _won't_ always want to kill me!" He sighs heavily in relief and pats her.

Bad idea.

She snarls and jerks her head in his direction, letting out a foreboding roar.

And he's running again.

"Aah! I'm sorry! I don't have any powers anymore! Please don't hurt me!"

His eyes are squeezed tightly shut as he keeps running until…

He runs into someone else?

He winces in pain as he falls backward onto the soft grass.

As he opens his eyes, he gasps.

"…Mom…"

The pink, fluffy, eight-foot-tall gem has her back to him, and her fists are clenched at her sides.

He can't see it, but her face wears an angered snarl.

When she doesn't seem to respond, he speaks again.

"Mom?"

Her fists slowly unclench, shards of a multitude of gems pouring from their palms. She turns to face him.

Her eyes are overcast with a shadow of grey, not unlike a quality he observed in Bismuth's back when she… well…

Her face wears a dissatisfied frown.

And it frightens him.

She speaks, and her voice is low.

"You were supposed to _take care of them, Steven_." Her words and tone mirror those caring ones she spoke on a videotape made so many years ago, but combined with the setting and the body language, her voice seems to put forward the exact opposite sentiment.

His eyes widen and his brow furrows.

And she pulls her sword from behind her back.

"Heh, heh, what's with the sword… Mom..?"

And she jabs it at him.

He pushes himself away and jumps up to run, and the pain and fatigue are starting to take their toll.

He runs up a hill and trips to fall down its incline.

As he rolls to the base of the hill, he lands on his back to look up above. But instead of just the one adversary he expected to see, there are two.

Jasper is back.

And along with her is his mother, the _mighty_ _Rose Quartz_ , standing forebodingly at the peak of the hill.

But this time she doesn't have her sword.

She has… the Breaking Point…

_And he knows his mother would never use that._

She advances down the hill slowly, surely, and she stands over him, weapon in hand.

_And he knows._

"We can't both exist," she says, her overcast face staring down at his with derision.

He closes his eyes in tears, because she looks so much like his mom, but _he knows_.

He still isn't sure where he is, and he still isn't sure what's happening. And he still hasn't noticed this "Rose" doesn't have a gem.

_But he knows._

"You're _not me!_ " he screams.

"And I'll never be like you…"

…When he hears and feels nothing around him, he opens his eyes once more.

She's gone.

And Jasper is gone, too.

He breathes a pained sigh of relief and pushes himself to his feet with what may be the last bit of his strength he has.

He notices a pond not far from where he landed.

He walks to its shore and collapses to his knees. His eyes droop, heavy with exhaustion from everything that has just happened.

But everything is calm once more.

* * *

Greg excuses himself and heads to the men's room.

And Connie is alone.

School's been in session, and any other day she'd be there.

But today's not any other day. Her friend is hurt and she has to be there for him.

Luckily, she only had to beg her mom for 23 minutes to make it "Bring Your Daughter to Work Day." Again. (Much better than yesterday's hour and a half…)

She exhales sharply through her nose. She doesn't quite know what happened to Steven and no one will tell her. She tries to overhear, but all the words the doctors say are… confusing.

When she asked Mr. Universe this morning, he was silent for several moments. She could tell he wanted to say _some_ thing… but he settled on, "Perhaps it's best if you don't know, kiddo."

She can only assume that means it's something _bad_.

Trying to get her mind off that, she idly pulls a card covered in little alien stickers off the bedside table and begins remarking to Steven about it.

"This card's green. I wonder who it's from!" She opens it and stifles a giggle as she skims its contents.

"It's from Peridot! It's all in capital letters, let me read it to you."

She clears her throat and puts on her best Peridot voice from the limited interaction she's had with the little green gem.

"DEAR STEVEN, PEARL HAS INFORMED ME THAT YOU ARE IN A PLACE CALLED 'HOSPITAL'. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT 'HOSPITAL' IS, BUT FROM HOW PEARL DESCRIBED IT, IT SEEMS IT'S A PLACE WHERE HUMANS USE SOMETHING LIKE YOUR HEALING SPIT TO MAKE PEOPLE 'BETTER'. PEARL TOLD ME YOU WERE HURT. THEREFORE, I HAVE ENCLOSED TWO EPISODES OF CAMP PINING HEARTS WITH THIS 'CARD' AND LAPIS ALONG WITH ME AND MY METAL POWERS HAVE JOINED FORCES TO MAKE A NEW MORP JUST FOR YOU! IT IS A MORP OF OUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU, TO HELP YOU FEEL 'BETTER'! GET WELL SOON, PERIDOT, FACET FIVE."

"Ah, and Lapis signed it, too! Heh, Pearl must've brought this here… though I dunno what a 'morp' is…" she notices a piece of metal bent into a decorative shape and picks it up, "unless it's this, maybe? Hmm, it'd make a nice paperweight, wouldn't it, Steven?"

She sighs, knowing he won't answer, but she's picked up the "talk like nothing's wrong" habit from Amethyst. It's calming… but every time she consciously realizes that of course he won't respond, it makes her a little sad.

She glances up to look at his small still body in the bed, her eyes wide with tears as she looks him directly in the face.

"…Steven?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy birthday, Steven! ;D
> 
> (I posted this on FFnet when it was Steven's canon birthday; it's not his birthday anymore, but I felt weird leaving it off. XD)


	6. And They Cry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last one for tonight! (And the updates should come much slower now since it's caught up. XP)

He moves from his knees to all fours and then thunks down to lie on his stomach.

He lays his chin in the crook of his left arm and reaches his right hand out to drag his fingers through the water of the pond.

It's exactly the right temperature to make him feel secure, safe, and relaxed, which is good after… all that.

His eyes droop further as he heaves a large, exhausted sigh.

Now. Now is the time to go to sleep.

His head droops further into his arm as his hand continues to trace abstract, calming shapes into the water, only falling limp once he actually falls asleep.

The second the last shred of awake leaves him, the world begins to crumble.

The construct, the world built for him while he would not, could not make it back up above begins to dissolve, to break and fall apart.

The very pink of the sky itself begins to shatter, exposing in its stead the foreboding black of the path to the surface. Millions of pink shards fall from above to curse the remaining bits of land below.

But Steven does not know nor care, for he is already gone.

* * *

His eyelids feel like concrete, but he forces them open anyway.

His field of vision is filled with nothing but bright, white light, and a high-pitched ringing in his ears moves to the front of his consciousness.

He squeezes his eyes tightly shut once more.

But not before the only person currently in the room can notice.

He thinks he hears that someone say something, but his ears and his mind are a cacophony right now, unable to focus on any one sound out of the dozens in the room, especially on something that sounds so muffled and far away… though it all sounds a little like that…

A loud sudden sound—maybe a door slamming?—startles him, and he decides to crack his eyes open once more.

Once his eyes adjust to the light, he sees through the narrow slit between his eyelids that the room—a very white room in a place he doesn't recognize—is empty. But he could have sworn—

The door flies open, and his dad and Connie rush in.

His eyes are darting between the two and someone seems to say something directly to him but too much is happening and it's all so tiring and he hurts and—

Connie is crying and smiling and Dad is, too, and Steven's mind is fuzzy but this time he's having trouble bringing to mind exactly what happened…

His best friend points to the door and says something he _still_ can't make out—she might be telling some sort of story?—then bangs on the air as if pounding on a door as she continues to speak. His dad puts his hand on the back of his head and grins sheepishly as Connie points at him.

Steven smiles weakly. He's a little confused—strike that, _very_ confused—but he knows the two are just happy to see him, even if he's a little out of the loop as to where exactly he's been.

Dad pulls up a chair next to him and holds his hand, opting not to say anything for the time being. Connie sits next to Dad and smiles solemnly and for a few minutes, all is calm.

At least until the doctors come in. Dad lets go of his hand, and Dr. Maheswaran and a nurse flock to his bedside and begin prodding him and shining lights in just about every part of his body they can.

Steven has never been to a hospital _or_ a doctor—at least as a patient—and so this is all completely unexpected and very new to him. He grunts weakly in quiet surprise and wishes he had the strength to summon his bubble because these people are _way_ too close. He liked it better when it was just him, Connie, and Dad…

Dr. Maheswaran turns her back to him and says something to his dad while the nurse on the other side of the bed squeezes his wrist for… some reason… and writes something down on a clipboard.

And just like that, the two are gone and it's just the three of them again.

Connie turns to speak to his dad, and while it's still a little hard to follow and he's not completely sure why, he manages to tell that she's asked if they—Dr. Maheswaran and whoever that other one was—are coming back. His dad nods and looks to him once more.

He tries in futile to adjust his position and takes a deep inhale to speak about how he dislikes the idea of those two coming back in.

But he finds out about as soon as he tries to do it that that's a bad idea. He makes a pained moan, and Dad places his hand on his shoulder.

"Whoa. Take it easy, Shtu-ball."

His dad says something else, but the lingering aftertaste of the pain along with the exhaustion and confusion and _whatever is happening that's making everything so hard to understand_ mean he barely tries to pay attention to it. He thinks Dad said something about whatever made him end up here. But he's too tired to be sure and too afraid of pain to attempt to speak again.

He's certainly gleaned that he's in a hospital now—but he doesn't know why. He's never needed to go to the hospital before…

He furrows his brow and stares forward, trying to think about what happened. He's just starting to bring a spark of a memory to the surface when Connie places her hand on his blanket.

"I was worri—" the small amount of clarity is fizzling away again but he has enough to work with to understand her message, "—guess we all were…"

His brow furrows further—enough that the look on his face is a little concerning to his father and his friend—and his gaze lowers to look at the floor. The piece of the memory he was latching onto before is gone, and he's getting fed up with whatever's going on, whatever's making him feel like he's underwater and everyone else is on the surface, whatever's putting up this invisible wall between him and someone barely a yard away. He doesn't even care how happy Connie looked before.

The high-pitched whining permeating his senses is becoming annoying, even unbearable.

He feels trapped with everything around him and connecting to him and covering him—on his arms, on his chest, on his _face_ —and _touching him_ and—

And he hates the way it hurts to move, the way it hurts to _breathe_

how it feels like he can't get enough air, like how it feels to not have food for a long time and then want to eat as much as possible except this is his lungs and not his stomach and he _just can't get enough to_ _ **make it better**_

and how he still doesn't even

understand

_why_

And… and… and… and… and…

He—and everyone else in the room—can tell he isn't acting himself.

It's _not him_.

And for now, he doesn't know if he'll ever be like himself.

And that feeling sucks.

And he cries.

Connie and his dad look to each other.

And they cry, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to add SO MUCH MORE to this chapter (enough that, in my head, I was describing it as the "Bismuth" to the other chapters' "Gem Glow" XD), but at some point, it started feeling like it was going to drag if I didn't end it soon, and so I decided I'd split the extra content ideas off. So here's what you get!
> 
> Also, I (after a fight with my realism judgment vs. my writing judgment) opted to use artistic license in the way I described a thing in this chapter, mostly because if I wrote it the way I know it would actually happen, it would have been unpleasant to write AND to read…


	7. And He is Alone with Connie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a card-carrying member of The Shorty Squad™.
> 
> It also uses — (the em dash) in a nonstandard way partway through the chapter. (I'm using it to indicate obscured words in some areas, though it retains its typical usage in others.) Please feel free to tell me if you find that confusing to follow when you read it. XP

At some point during the group's mini-breakdown, Dr. Maheswaran enters and takes Steven away. To run some more intensive examinations, she remarks in an attempt to keep everyone calm. She would wait, but from experience, she knows this sort of cry-fest can last anywhere from a few minutes to a few _hours_ …

When Steven arrives back in the room, Dr. Maheswaran takes Dad out into the hallway.

And he is alone with Connie.

She looks down and to the side dejectedly, unsure of what to say, if it's okay to say anything to him.

She doesn't want to make him upset again.

Then again, this is a pretty upsetting hospital—even with the cute (if minimal) sloth motif that clearly marks this as a pediatric room—so she's not sure anything can keep him from being upset. Not in a place like this.

Stuck between two choices equally likely to backfire… she kicks her feet.

Steven notices. He watches her for several moments.

He starts moving his foot in time with her kicks under the blanket, tapping his toes against an invisible floor. It's a small movement, but it's a noticeable one.

Connie steals a glance and notices his foot. A cautious, smirking smile crosses her face.

A subdued smile crosses Steven's face in response.

Connie's smile grows and she claps her hands to the beat of the silent tune their feet are playing. Steven joins in with carefully timed snaps of his fingers.

Then it happens. The crack of a wide, toothy smile.

A laugh.

Two laughs.

And maybe this hospital isn't so upsetting—

A hurt groan.

And everything stops.

"Oh!" Connie exclaims in horror. She says the next part much quieter, and because of that crossed with the ringing in his ears and the noise of the room, Steven doesn't quite hear her, but he knows she's apologizing just from her reaction.

He wants to tell her it's not her fault, but last time he tried to speak… it hurt.

But then, that was because of the big breath he took in… maybe he could try again?

He steels himself, the room silent as Connie's worry returns because of what just happened.

"It's… okay…" His voice is barely above a whisper and hard to hear over the hum and hiss of the machines in the room. It doesn't have any of his normal peppy energy behind it.

Nevertheless, Connie hears it and looks up in surprise.

She looks him in the face and says something completely inaudible.

He makes a restrained, questioning grunt.

"You're too… quiet… I don't understand."

Connie's brow furrows, confused… what's that supposed to mean?

She says something else he doesn't understand.

He purses his lips, not wanting to expend the breath and energy to speak again when it still feels like his lungs need a three-course meal of nothing but oxygen. He gives her a flat look and points to his ear.

She exclaims, finally getting it, and speaks a little louder, though not enough. He points upward and she tries again a few times.

"How's this?" She finally speaks loudly enough for it to be mostly clear.

He gives a thumbs-up and a muted but satisfied smile.

"My mom taught me to speak quieter in a hospital, since I used to yell around here when I was little. Guess it — stuck with me, huh?"

Connie puts on a thoughtful but confused look as Steven nods; that sort of thing makes sense, he supposes. Most of his experience with hospitals is from _Under the Knife_ , but there always seems to be a patient on there that's annoyed with everything from talking to the food to their bed sheets. But of course, Connie's mom says the show doesn't represent real doctoring, so maybe not…

Connie is still confused, only now she's voicing her thoughts.

"—… hmm… I wonder… —… huh… maybe… I guess that _does_ make sense now, even if I don't understand it…"

She glances at Steven and notices him cocking an eyebrow.

"Sorry, just thinking to myself. The doctors said —thing about your ears getting hurt, so I guess — must have been whatever's causing the…" She gestured a circular gesture with her hand around his face. "Yeah…"

Steven thinks to himself about this and wonders if she knows anything about whatever got him here. He's sure he remembers, but everything after around the last time he used a warp pad is a jumble. He takes the chance…

"Do you know…"

She cuts him off because she can tell where he's going with this. "No. No one'll tell me… Do you…?"

He shakes his head and speaks, his voice a little fainter than before. "Don't remember." Well, he _does_ remember—he thinks—but it's just easier to say that. Gotta… conserve… energy…

His brow furrows. Part of him idly thinks about how it's been doing that today more often than he can remember doing in his whole life—but more importantly…

He's latched onto a memory.


	8. And He is Alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember when I said the previous chapter was a card-carrying member of The Shorty Squad™? They actually stole that membership card from this chapter. XP I was planning something different for this chapter that would have made it longer, but it didn't pan out.

During his first few days awake, Steven, ironically, spends most of his time sleeping.

He's tired from the experience, and the sleep helps him heal and piece his memories together.

The latter happens much faster, of course, for once he's remembered one piece of the story, the rest seems to snowball together into a cohesive narrative, especially since the gems give him what they know about what all happened.

But his body isn't like that, and it's actually a bit of a disconcerting feeling to Steven. He's never been in pain for such a long, constant period—the defensive nature of his powers seems to keep him from ever getting this hurt to begin with. He tries a few times to use his healing spit, but it's either not working well or not working at all.

Even worse, once a nurse catches him trying to give himself a wet willy—a particularly… _embarrassing_ … event—he knows he shouldn't try again, at least not until he's out of here.

Dr. Maheswaran may be surprised he's not _more_ hurt, but he's surprised he's as hurt as he is. He's part gem!

He supposes it's understandable, though, based on the explanations he gets. Human tissue doesn't react well to vacuum, and he _is_ part human.

Indeed, the difference in pressure the vacuum introduced seems to be the defining characteristic of his injuries.

His lungs were probably the worst off, put through the wringer from breathing the vacuum to the point they collapsed. And the damage from holding his breath when he dropped his bubble?

Well, he doesn't want to visualize what the doctor described. It's _bad_.

His ears are, honestly, just as catastrophically hurt—the pressure took its toll on them by turning his eardrums to Swiss cheese—but considering they're not a vital system giving him something as important as, say, _oxygen_ , he decides he'll live.

And it gives him something to do with his time. Because categorizing people's voices—everyone from Dad to the mumbling nurses—by how understandable they are and endlessly asking people to repeat themselves is just _boodles of fun_.

He kind of wishes it was those first few days again. Being awake is boring, and there isn't much to do.

So, needless to say, he's glad when Connie's mom makes a special trip just to bring him paper and crayons.

The gems were supposed to come this morning, but Amethyst apparently finally remembered to tell them about the gems Jasper had caged in the Beta Kindergarten, so they skipped out.

A shame, too, because he was going to try to convince them to bring Lapis and Peridot this time. They'd been refusing—they said Lapis probably wouldn't put on shoes and they were afraid Peridot would touch the machines or try to make a morp from the wires attached to him—but he thinks they just don't want to ask.

And he's sure he had a good argument to change their minds this time! Too bad he'll have to wait to make it.

He'd sigh if he was a little more healed. Connie's gone back to school—she knew she couldn't convince her parents to let her skip another day. His dad's gone back to the car wash—mostly out of courtesy since some people had directly asked him to wash their cars. And the gems are off doing gem stuff.

They'll all probably be here later—Connie said she'd swing by after school (and bring books, at that!), Dad said he'd shut down the car wash as soon as all the people who'd asked for it to open came through, and he knows the gems will want to see him again—but for now, Steven's life is utter boredom.

The crayons and paper are the only thing keeping him from staring at the ceiling and watching the escapades of a polar bear in a snowstorm.

And that's not very good because there isn't that much to draw.

He eventually settles on spending his time writing instead, first with a _Destiny's End_ fanfiction—which he unceremoniously throws in the trash because he doesn't think he writes it well—then with a more serious pursuit.

He remembers hearing Connie worry about what her mom thinks of all this stuff that happened to him.

She worries she won't be able to come on missions, worries she won't be able to help him anymore.

…But she has to! She's so good, and there's no way any of the gems will go through with some of the stuff they did that led to this happening to him without giving it a second thought now!

So he writes a letter to Dr. Maheswaran.

…She'll take a letter written in crayon seriously, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some notes on Steven's injuries (since I had someone specifically ask and I'm not sure I covered it to their satisfaction in the chapter text)… Steven is currently affected by (based on the list in chapter 4):
> 
> Pneumothorax and pulmonary rupture: These are kind of interconnected in Steven's case (and I don't know much about the latter because I only had one source to work with). Basically, the first is a collapsed lung and the latter… it was described as tearing of the lung tissue itself (which would expose the lung to anything in the chest cavity, like air or bacteria or such, in larger quantities than it can take). The latter is what holding his breath caused to happen. They've been treated but need time to heal. I'm not sure I've written about this gracefully here or in the chapter.
> 
> Bilateral tympanic membrane injury: Ruptured eardrums. Both his eardrums basically ripped apart because of the difference in pressure on either side of them. There's no real treatment in most cases, and it tends to heal on its own in four to six weeks. XP
> 
> Anything else I listed has worked itself out.


	9. And He's Changed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the grand scheme of things, this sort of update gap isn't unusual for me, but in relation to this story in specific, it's a bit out of the ordinary, so I feel the need to apologize for the wait. I was sick. XP I also had a bit of a block thinking of all the things I wanted to include in this chapter, since we're getting closer to the resolution now… and I started working on a user style for a website I use… and then I had another fanfic idea… Just a lot of distractions. XD
> 
> But I should get back into regular updates until the end of this, so… yay?
> 
> Also, this chapter happens in a variety of timeframes, and not all in chronological order (even within a single section), which I only bring up because I felt it may not have been obvious without a note. XP

Steven looks up from his book. He is expecting a very important message today, a matter of very grave importance. He gazes at the door…

And there's no one there.

A sigh escapes his mouth.

It's been close to two weeks! How long are they gonna make him wait? _Overneath the Underworld_ is only interesting so many times in a row…

He shuts the book and lies back onto his pillow.

It feels like so much has changed since before… feels like _he's_ changed so much since before…

He wonders if anything will be the same when he gets out…

* * *

The gems feel strange visiting Steven. They don't say it, but they do.

Hospitals are weird.

Steven's much more vulnerable than usual, even if he _is_ getting better every day.

And no matter how they paint it, they can't shake the feeling that it's completely and totally their fault this happened. He wouldn't have gone to the moon base if Amethyst hadn't taken him prisoner, wouldn't have been near the door if they hadn't stopped out in the open to celebrate their "win", wouldn't have gotten sucked out of the airlock if Sardonyx hadn't broken the Rubies apart.

They still visit him, still bring him cards, gifts, and the occasional donut when the doctors allow it.

But it all feels so different now.

Steven, _their_ Steven, almost died in space.

And he's getting better now, but what must he think of this? Of that?

Of them?

One of the last things he heard before zooming through space in his bubble was how his mother, part of _him_ , shattered a _Diamond_.

And they didn't tell him.

If he feels some way about it, he's trying not to let on.

But they can't help but wonder…

* * *

Greg's just glad to have his little Shtu-ball back.

Just two weeks ago, there was a possibility that wouldn't happen.

It still feels like Steven has so far to go, but his son is here. He's okay.

He's happy.

Or at least he sounds happy.

He listens to his dad's stories about the goings on in Beach City with a smile on his face, chats with him now that he's a little better, and overall seems to have regained his happy demeanor.

But something's off. It doesn't feel like Steven's usual brand of happy. It's as if a part of it is dampened or missing, as if he's holding something back that's tingeing the feeling with a whole other emotion.

He knows Steven stayed conscious for awhile in his bubble after he was sucked out of the base, but he doesn't know what happened out there. Steven shies away from the subject whenever Greg brings it up. The gems can't get it out of him, either.

He doesn't usually see Steven like this.

And it worries him.

* * *

Dr. Maheswaran admires Steven's spunk.

Kid wrote a three-page letter with a waxy children's writing implement because he cared so much for her daughter.

And she knows that in a way, Steven knows he's one of the few who could change her mind.

After all, he _was_ the one to actually get sucked into space like he did.

But is that enough? She's been observing Steven, as a doctor is wont to do to her patients.

And she's concerned. Something about him has changed.

She knows Steven to be an incredibly resilient boy. She's not sure she's ever seen him upset or scared—even in the heat of the only battle she was with him and Connie for. He's usually an incredibly happy kid.

But now…? There's a look to him.

He smiles and laughs around his friends and family, but sometimes she catches him alone… and it's different.

She'll glance through the window to his room and see it, walk in and catch the forlorn, lost… almost brooding look on his face before he realizes she's come in.

He smiled ten days ago and asked if she read the letter.

She replied that she did and she thought it to have some important points she'd be sure to consider.

He said he was glad, but the rest of the way he acted that day told another story.

She left and wondered if she should make a note in his file about this demeanor she was seeing that was so out of the ordinary.

She opted against it.

But the look is still there. Steven catches her coming in far faster now, but even once he has the smile on his face, the look is still there. She can see it in his eyes.

And he's changed.

* * *

Connie freaked out when Steven finally spilled the beans to her.

Stuck in space? No air?

_And he didn't just die?_

It's a lot to take in.

…And she understands why her mom was so worried.

But she can tell that's not all. Steven's keeping something from her. Probably from everybody.

And it must be bad, too, because Steven's usually pretty horrible at keeping secrets, at least from her. He either tells really bad lies or pushes her away.

And this time it's not either. In all honesty, he seems a little worried every time she leaves. She's not sure it's her that he's worried for, but whatever it _is_ seems to crop up when she has to go home, or go to a practice, or anything that leaves him alone with himself.

Something's not right.

* * *

A head pops around the doorframe and says the words Steven's been expecting.

He still needs to take it easy, but he's free at last!

He gets himself ready and before too long, he's stepping outside.

His shoes make satisfying slaps against the cool pavement of the sidewalk as he passes trees planted outside the building, the last vestiges of warm autumn leaves falling to meet their brethren on the slowly browning ground.

But like the environment gradually losing its color and transitioning to winter, he, too, feels that he's changed, that he's become a bit muted, and he knows exactly why.

He climbs in the van with his dad and heads back to Beach City.


	10. And This is How He Falls Apart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sure how exactly I feel about this chapter, but for some reason, that's okay. XD
> 
> Spoilers for Mindful Education in end note. Also, the end note's pretty long. XP

_Here comes a thought_

_That might alarm me_

_What someone said_

_And how it harmed me_

* * *

"How come nobody told me about Pink Diamond?"

He pops that question to Garnet in the morning, about a day or so after he gets home. It's the kind of question he'd have asked much sooner, but something felt off about talking about it in the hospital.

Amethyst and Pearl are silent, watching idly from the kitchen. Garnet sits next to him on the couch, looks him in the face, and talks quite openly about how war makes things different and you can't always stick to your values when it puts you or your goal in danger.

He knows she's being honest, but something about it feels empty to him, like there's more to be said, something that would explain this, explain everything.

But he thanks her anyway. The gems warp away and leave him alone in the house, alone with himself, his feelings.

Are thoughts about these sorts of things supposed to swarm around him until he feels barely visible behind them?

* * *

_Something I did_

_That failed to be charming_

_Things that I said_

_Are suddenly swarming_

* * *

He spends a lot more time with Dad nowadays, because he still hasn't healed enough to go on missions with the gems. For awhile, they just chill in the van, reading cards everyone in Beach City still seems to feel the need to send. But after a few days, the cards die down, and really, Greg needs to get back to business.

Steven's helping scrub a car when his dad tries to pry the story from him. Again.

But he won't budge. How would Dad react to something like that?

Sure, he knows Dad knows he was stuck in space without air, but how would he react to knowing the reason he ended up without air was that he dropped his own bubble to throw a gem out into space?

Even if that gem was trying to rip his gem itself from him?

He remembers Dad after Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl, and him escaped from that ship awhile back. He remembers the look on his dad's face, the sheer worry and terror his dad's whole body wore.

The thoughts come heavy, and his brain conveniently leaves out that his dad eventually got it out of his system and calmed down.

His dad lets up and takes him to get ice cream, but that's not the end of it for Steven.

Is it supposed to feel like these thoughts are sitting on his chest, forcing out the air he's taken weeks to retake?

* * *

_And oh, I'm losing sight, I'm losing touch…_

_All these little things seem to matter so much…_

_That they confuse me…_

… _That I might lose me…_

* * *

He tries not to think about it.

He goes to a follow-up appointment with Dr. Maheswaran a week after he gets out. She asks how he's doing.

He's "fine".

He's lying.

He watches Connie's sword practices. They're supposed to do fusion training soon, but they'll probably have to delay it to be certain he's up for it.

He's glad.

The thoughts just won't stop.

Did Bismuth deserve it? Did Jasper deserve it? Did Eyeball deserve it?

Is this who he is now? Will he shatter someone next? ~~_Did Pink Diamond deserve it?_~~

Is he becoming his mom? Is he desecrating his mom's memory?

Is either end right?

Would the gems still love him if they knew of all this?

Would his dad? Would Connie?

_Does he still love himself?_

…He doesn't know,

and he doesn't want to think about it,

but the

thoughts

won't

_stop_.

His breath hitches when Connie comes to practice one day torn up over something that happened at school, and Garnet decides it would be a good idea to hold fusion practice today, though taking a different direction than fighting to accommodate for still-recuperating Steven.

He can't. **He just can't.**

The thoughts are still coming,

and he's drowning beneath them, but

if they fuse,

that won't stop it

and Connie _will_ know

and he can't subject her to that, _won't_ subject her to that,

won't subject _them_ to that.

They sit on the beach, the waves crashing next to them, the sun low on the horizon, as they learn about the importance of balance in fusion.

"We'll need Stevonnie," Garnet says expectantly.

"No."

* * *

_Take a moment, remind yourself_

_To take a moment and find yourself_

_Take a moment and ask yourself_

_If this is how we fall apart_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So… how 'bout "Mindful Education", eh? XD
> 
> I only bring this up because it helped further inspire this chapter (for more reasons than just the obvious one), and a lot of what I saw during the episode gave the same feel I was trying to put forth in the Steven sections of earlier chapters.
> 
> In specific, the way Steven's thoughts chased Stevonnie was reminiscent of what I was trying to do in the Rose chapter of this fic. (Plus the look on Rose's face in the episode held many of the qualities I envisioned her having in her interactions with Steven back in that chapter.)
> 
> As for the inspiration the episode lent to this chapter, it made me want to take it a lot of different places (and include its thought imagery), but it mostly ended up being somewhat of a songfic, with a dose of bringing the fic's storyline up to the episode's. Obviously, though, the fic is taking a slightly different direction because of the prior narrative.
> 
> I initially was tentatively planning to end with chapter 10, but I realized I couldn't close the story threads I had left open that quickly, so to steal a quote from the show to explain what my plans are now… "It's Steven; who knows what's gonna happen?"


	11. And It Was Just a Thought

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It _could_ end like this. :P

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 11! Why chapter 11? Because I like to go one step beyond. *cough cough*
> 
> "Here Comes a Thought" continues into this chapter, partially because this chapter is such a close continuation of last chapter.

Connie is taken aback. "No? What do you mean, no?"

Garnet fiddles with her shades, maybe trying to figure out where Steven is going with this.

Perhaps already knowing his refusal was a possibility.

Connie doesn't notice—or doesn't acknowledge—Garnet's gesture and continues. "Why not?" Her voice sounds confused and a little upset, as if she hadn't considered Steven choosing not to form Stevonnie was a possibility.

"Just… no, okay?"

"But there's gotta be a reason!"

There _is_ a reason: Garnet said if one of them was falling apart, their fusion would too.

And he's definitely falling apart, even if he's doing his best at keeping it together. Stevonnie doesn't deserve that. And Connie is part of Stevonnie, so she doesn't deserve that, either.

(He doesn't consider the fact that he himself is _also_ part of Stevonnie…)

He shakes his head, turning away from Connie and wrapping his arms around his knees. "I…"

He exhales and stands up, walking away from the two and toward the temple.

Garnet crosses her arms, the human girl in front of her completely confused.

"Can… Is there anything you— Can he do that?"

Garnet purses her lips. "If Steven has decided not to fuse, there is nothing I can do to make him fuse. This is between you and him."

She looks toward the beach house, into which Steven has already retreated.

Connie gives a single nod, as if to say, "Yes, ma'am," and heads toward the house. Once she arrives, she knocks.

No response. She lets herself inside and glances around the room, not seeing him anywhere in the dark house.

"Steven?" she whispers, no reply arriving but the muted sounds of the waves outside. She bites her lip. His ears have done a lot of healing in the past few weeks, but she wonders if she might have been too quiet.

"Steven!" she shouts at a volume she knows he can hear. For a few moments after her exclamation, the house is still silent… but suddenly, a small noise cuts through.

A rustle, a sniff.

Steven is up in his bed.

She climbs the stairs and is greeted by his bedroom, with Steven nowhere in sight. He's under the covers, and he's trying to be quiet.

Perhaps if he's invisible enough, Connie will go away, and she won't have to see him like this or hear everything when she's got so many problems of her own.

"Steven…"

He tries not to make a sound, but a sniffle and a quiet sob come out. He grimaces under the sheet.

Stupid, stupid thoughts! Can't they all just go away?

"Steven! I'm not gonna make you talk to me… but I think it would help... I don't know what's going on, but… I want to. So I can be there for you."

Steven lets out a shaky breath and pulls the covers down to expose his face. It's hard to see the details in the darkness, but it's obvious he's been crying, his face wet with tears and his eyes red.

He sits up in the bed, and Connie sits beside him. He turns on the light, and then it's clear just how much he's been crying.

"Steven…"

"I didn't want you to see this… you don't need—I shouldn't be… I don't want you to worry about me."

"…I wouldn't have come up here if I wasn't already worried."

"But I've hurt so many people… and now I'm hurting you, too."

"Steven, you've never done anything to hurt me."

"Connie, you _beat someone up!_ You wouldn't have done that if you hadn't had training, and you wouldn't have training if I hadn't told Pearl you should, and I wouldn't have told Pearl you should if I hadn't met you. …You don't deserve me."

"…Steven." She stops, unsure of how to respond to something like… that. After several moments, she speaks again. "It's not your fault I hurt someone. And I get the feeling I'm not what you're really upset about, here."

"…I don't wanna think about it."

"Well… it seems like you're thinking about it, anyway. Can it be that different to talk about it?"

Steven pauses to consider that. "I don't want you to have to deal with it, too."

"But we'd have to deal with it together if we fused…"

Steven snaps, almost interrupting the end of her sentence. "Why do you think I didn't want to?!"

Connie jumps a little at his outburst and stares at him, frozen with a wide-eyed expression. The furrow around Steven's brow softens as his own eyes widen. He turns away from her and looks to the ground.

"…I'm sorry… Connie. I… I haven't felt like myself, lately…" He sighs, his voice becoming small like it was those weeks ago when he first spoke again. "I didn't wanna hurt anyone…"

Connie nods, though Steven's not looking at her to see it. The room is quiet for a long while, only Steven's occasional sniffles punctuating the silence.

"Are… are you sure you don't wanna talk about it? I don't wanna force you into anything you don't want to do—this… or Stevonnie… or… yeah." She breathes a slow breath out her nose. "But it might help. I still feel really bad about what I did at school… but talking with you and Garnet helped a little. I think I'd feel even better if we got all the way through her lesson, but talking is good. It's given me ideas about figuring out what to do and moving on."

Steven takes a long, deep inhale, trying to hold back a cough and the ghost of a sob as he breathes out slowly. "I'm not sure it'll be that easy for me. It's—I… It's so much. I don't think I can do it." His crying threatens to ramp up again, and he tries unsuccessfully to squelch it.

Connie puts an arm around him. "It can't be any worse than bottling it up and having… this… happen."

Steven sniffs and gives a small nod.

* * *

_But it's not, but it's not, but it's not, but it's not, but it's not_

_It's okay, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay_

_I've got nothing, got nothing, got nothing, got nothing to fear_

_I'm here, I'm here, I'm here_

* * *

Steven takes so long to share everything that's been going on that they have to take multiple breaks. It takes so long that Connie calls her parents to ask if she can stay the night. They're initially concerned, but they let up since it's Friday and Connie convinces them that she just wants to make up time with Steven.

It's late before they finish talking it out and get to sleep, but they wake up with renewed vigor and drag Garnet down to the beach again.

They fuse into Stevonnie and sit before her.

And she smiles, knowing they've gotten half her lesson just from talking it out, but she continues with it, anyway.

* * *

_And it was just a thought, just a thought, just a thought, just a thought, just a thought_

_It's okay, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay_

_We can watch, we can watch, we can watch, we can watch them go by_

_from here, from here, from here_

* * *

_Take a moment to think of just… flexibility, love, and trust…  
Take a moment to think of just… flexibility, love, and trust…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure if this is the end or the precursor to the end… I'll probably know by Thursday (if not tomorrow) whether or not I think it needs a little more something. At most, it's getting one more chapter, but if it doesn't get that chapter, this is it!
> 
> As an extra aside, I kind of wanted to write the specifics of Steven talking out his thoughts (and Connie reacting to them), but I felt like I couldn't do it justice. I also felt it would take focus away from the part of the chapter I _did_ write, where Steven brought himself to a place where he _could_ voice those thoughts, which was a part I was way more invested and comfortable in writing.


	12. And He Hopes They Never Stop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's an epilogue. It serves a purpose of closure in the grand scheme of the narrative. :P
> 
> Feel free to skip it if epilogues aren't your thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was almost entirely written to tie up loose ends. ~~Also I wanted to write some mostly-over-his-angst Steven SHHHHH.~~ It's really short because of that (shortest chapter in this fic, really, because in the grand scheme of things, it's not _really_ a chapter). I might rewrite it if I ever think I can do it better.

Connie bursts through the door the following Monday, excited to tell Steven about her talk with Jeff.

That's his name. Jeff.

And he understands, even if Connie did hurt him—in fact, he wants to learn some moves!

Steven giggles as Connie goes to get changed for sword practice.

A thought comes, touching on the sword poking out of Connie's bag.

But Steven breathes. And he can watch it go by.

* * *

Steven sits the gems down and tells them he needs to know more. That he's not a little kid anymore, that he can handle it.

That he might not be able to handle it if they don't and he finds out like he did before again.

They're solemn, and they shy around it at first… but they start to speak. And they tell him things that happened. Things from the war, things from their past, things with Rose.

When they stop, he knows they haven't told him everything yet, but it feels like the start of a newer, better way of doing things.

Amethyst gets his attention before the three gems warp off for a mission. "You okay, dude?"

They've been doing that—directly getting his attention and asking if he's okay—since he got home. At first, it was because they were genuinely concerned for his safety and wanted to make sure he knew they were leaving without him.

But now, especially now that they've talked, it feels like they're different, closer than they were before the bubble incident somehow.

He likes it. And he hopes they never stop.

* * *

He finally opens up to his dad about what happened in the bubble with Eyeball.

Greg is… well, his reaction makes sense. Another Homeworld gem trying to kill his son because she thought he was Rose.

But he calms down, like he did the first time something like this happened.

He listens to Steven's thoughts about what he had to do. And he tells Steven he understands. (He doesn't completely, because an element of this is distinctly gem, but he _does_ get having to throw someone away because they're bad for you…)

They slice up a watermelon to snack on and chase each other around the car wash with hoses after this is all over, because some things never change.

* * *

He goes to another appointment with Dr. Maheswaran—his last one.

She asks how he's doing.

He's fine. And this time, he's not lying.

* * *

Two months after it all happens, he stands at the Sky Arena.

Most of him was completely healed a couple weeks back. Some of him—really minor stuff—is still getting up to speed, but that won't keep him out of the swing if he can help it!

But Pearl was a worrywart and made him hold back.

It took weeks to shake her down into letting him back on missions, back into training.

But now? It's time.

A soft wind blows across the arena as the hologram forms in front of them and taunts them with its robotic voice.

"Come at me, children!"

Connie and Steven stand before it, and in their own return of the taunt, they fuse.

Stevonnie falls to the ground and unsheathes their sword in anticipation of the fight ahead.

"Let's dance."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This feels really badly written, heh. XD
> 
> ~~Another reason I wrote this was because I wanted to write confident Stevonnie, too. XD~~
> 
> Random note: The "minor stuff getting up to speed" in the last segment is his eardrums because I misremembered the length of time it would take to heal at the severity it would have been in Steven (I said 4-6 weeks, which I was remembering from my own injury/personal experience, oops). The decompression would have caused catastrophic damage in Steven (and therefore a longer healing time), so he's probably half- to three-quarters healed in that regard. XP (As a rough estimate, since I've also been arbitrarily cutting amounts of time off since I headcanon that he'd heal faster because of his gem/powers.) *shrug*


End file.
